Perspective

It was Christmas day and I opened a present from my friend Jen.  Inside was a necklace on which was engraved the word "run" next to a girl running.  My body was tired and weak.  The last 10 days before that my body had gone through a lot.  From placenta abruption, to a pulmonary embolism, I was no stranger to the hospital, not to mention my sweet baby was in the NICU due to complications and his pre-mature birth. It was a stressful time for me and my family.

I held the necklace in my hands and thought "I wonder when I will ever feel like I can run again."  Not that I even cared.  I was too tired and stressed for that.

Why do I share this?  Only because on Saturday I did one last run before I tackle a full marathon.  I don't feel ready at all, in fact I am really dreading it, however, the past Christmas came to my mind as I was running and I realized that what I was about to do was about so much more than just trying to finish another marathon. 

For me, it's not about whether I finish or don't finish (and it is possible that I may not finish).  It's about remembering where I came from, how blessed I was to cheat death twice in one week. It's about how I was determined to not let this affect my health.  It's about getting off of coumadin, and coming back strong where I could do what I love most which is being a Mom and wife and also a healthy woman again.  It's about feeling so immensely grateful that my little boy is now a healthy nine month old boy and knowing that there are those that don't get to bring their babies home.  I weep at the thought.

So, no matter what happens I will remember these things as I am running mile after mile.  I will remember what it felt like just to try and walk around the block and all those times I had to have my blood drawn.  All those shots I had to give myself and all the medication I had to take. I will remember seeing Porter for the first time and praying that he would be o.k. as I watched his frail little body.  I'll remember holding Ammon tight as he cried because I was leaving him again to go to the hospital yet again. My heart was torn.  I will remember that cold winter day that I went from the hospital with Porter to Matt's choir concert, hoping I didn't miss him but knowing that I would be late.  I'll remember how I sat down next to Rob and broke down, realizing that I made it but also being so exhausted not knowing how much more I could take, and then being admitted to the hospital the next day again.  I'll remember my heartfelt prayers for my baby, for myself and for my family.

I have so much to be grateful for and when I ask myself for the 100th time why I signed up to run a marathon I guess it's to prove to myself that I can.  I feel so very blessed. So no matter how hard Saturday feels, I'll remember.